i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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