Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
