I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
Randomize