I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
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Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
These 19 People Imagine Others When Banging Their SO
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.