ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's