Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Randomize
