Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
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