my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
Does having sex in the men's bathroom on the boardwalk count as having sex on the beach?
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
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