doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
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