3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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