were you the shorter or taller girl out of you two
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
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