The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
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