Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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