I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Randomize
