if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
he wasnt completely random
you're right. you met him once and didnt know his name. you still dont
i get things done.
I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
We have so much sex to catch up on
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Randomize
