i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
how is it that boston is so bitchin and the rest of massachusetts sucks so much?
how is it that you still think "bitchin" is an acceptable term anymore?
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Randomize
