i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
this hospital has no fireball
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
I need a beard to bite.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
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