and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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