I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
