I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
Randomize
