i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
soo... how was my night?
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
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