this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
Randomize
