If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
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