I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
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