if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
I have fence marks all over my body
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
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