WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
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