I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
