I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
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