Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
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