So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
Randomize
