Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Randomize