I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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