Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
i may or may not be watching the land before time
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
