I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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