But, the reference to being horny and then blending a banana is troubling
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
