i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
