Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
Just puked most of my soul out..
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize
