it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Randomize
