someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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