Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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