After last night, I could never be a politician.
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Randomize
