Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
Randomize
