about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
I'm too high and old for this...
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
Randomize
