I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
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It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
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Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
You've changed since you got that strap on
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
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