theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Randomize
