You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
It was a blind-side dick pic.
Randomize
