in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
Randomize