Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
Randomize
