my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
It's shark week go big or go home
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
