mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
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