Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
Randomize
