so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
