At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
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