i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
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