I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
Do they fuck in the end of "Lady and the Tramp" or am i just wasting my time
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
