he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
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